Croi-what? Ssant-huh?

Thus far there have only been two episodes, this being the latest....

The Vessel is sitting in bed reading. I am sitting in a chair at the end of the bed working on beloved 2008 taxes (yes, running a bit late, but at least they are getting done) (hopefully). The Vessel looks up, smacks her lips, and proclaims "I want a box of croissants and I think I want them now." These were the words spoken. Utility hears those words, but they translate inside the brain as "I am having another food desire and it involves a lot of croissants. Go fetch them and be quick about it." I am then met with pleading eyes and the official request: "Dear sweet man, please go to the store and get me a few croissants." I'm in the middle doing the taxes. It takes a bit of doing to gear up for doing one's taxes. I think about it for a bit, question if the desire is true and accurate, and am then packing up forms to go on my quest.

I go to our local grocery store. After wandering around for five minutes I actually do the unthinkable and ask someone (who works there) if they have any croissants. She looks around and sees nothing. It was a flailingly impressive attempt to look like she was concerned and truly wanted to help me. She then passed the question to her co-worker. "Do we have any croissants?" Now this one has an official looking baker's hat on. She knows what she's doing. She's been trained on how to handle these types of situations. "Well, not anymore." Huh? "You see, it is the end of the day and the daily baked croissants are now put into a bucket to be used in some other manner tomorrow." (skeet shooting?) Could I have one, kind and most gracious lady? She then does this look around like she's about to give away military secrets to the Chinese. "Let me just pull a few out for you." Ummm.... could I have six? She stops dead in her tracks as if I asked her to strip naked and bark like a dog. "Six?" As soon as you say something like 'I have a rabid, pregnant woman at home, demanding croissants. help me, please' all is well again. She packs up six beautiful croissants and sells them for $0.25 a piece. Not only did I get a sixer of croissants - I get them for a buck fifty! Life is good. (it's the little things)

Proud as a peacock, I present the Vessel with the grocery booty. She grabs three and states "Let it be known that I am the first person to ever make and consume a croissant sandwich made entirely of...... croissants!" She then stacks them together, smashes them down into a sad little sandwich and begins to consume them. There were a few grunting noises here and there; however the most satisfying part is when her eyes rolled into her head in pure bliss.

I have done my job.

Challenging Earth's Orbit

As noted in The Vessel's most recent post, her belly is definitely... ummm... well, enhanced. Let's be honest here: at the rate this sucker is growing she'll reach the beginning stages of competing for Earth's gravity come September 1!

True, it is somewhat small at this point, but seriously, folks, this thing has kicked into high gear. I think there might be a bit too much yeast in the dough because that bellah has grown awfully fast in the last couple of weeks. Now I realize The Vessel is an over achiever and all, but you think she'd take this one in the appropriate phases being her first time and all. Nope - she's the convection oven of baby baking. They plump when you cook em, right?

By the doctor's calculation, Carisa's belly will have completed its attempt at gravitational domination and fully overtaken the Earth's orbital pull on September 1. See diagram below:

Notice the size of Carisa's belly. It is certainly larger than the sun on September 1st. This is scientific proof it will happen. Charts don't lie.

Horse Pills

Sweet Fancy Moses! What on Earth is going on here? Every day my sweet bride (The Vessel, just in case there needs to be clarification), consumes three pills the size and color of Green Giant's thumb! Have you seen this guy? He's a pretty big fella.

These things are packed with wholesome goodness according to Nature's Way, the manufacturer of these digit-sized gobstoppers. But perhaps the following would explain why they need to be so big. Take a look at these ingredients:



VITAMIN A: 15000IU
Beta Carotene: 5625mcg
Gamma Carotene: 5.6mcg
TRANS BETA CAROTENE: 5.4mcg
BETA ZEA CAROTENE: 1.1mcg
Vitamin C: 1gm
Vitamin D: 400IU
Vitamin E: 200IU
Vitamin K: 80mcg
Thiamin: 25mg
Riboflavin: 25mg
Niacin: 125mg
Vitamin B6: 50mg
Folic Acid: 400mcg
Vitamin B12: 200mcg
Biotin: 300mcg
Pantothenic Acid: 125mg
Calcium: 250mg
Iron: 18mg
Iodine: 150mcg
Magnesium: 125mg
Zinc: 15mg
Selenium: 70mcg
Copper: 2mg
Manganese: 4mg
Chromium: 120mcg
Molybdenum: 75mcg
Sodium: 15mg
Potassium: 50mg

Green Food/Spirulina Blend: 500mg which contains:

Spirulina: 0
Alfalfa: 0
Barley Grass: 0
Dandelion: 0
Wheat Grass: 0
Spinach: 0
LEMON GRASS: 0
Nettle: 0 (nettles, for criminey's sake!)
Blessed Thistle: 0
Chlorella: 0
Chickweed: 0
Blue Green Algae: 0
CILANTRO: 0

AMINO ACIDS: 225mg
Glutamine: 0
ASPARAGINE: 0
Leucine: 0
Alanine: 0
Arginine: 0
Lysine: 0
Threonine: 0
Valine: 0
Glycine: 0
Isoleucine: 0
Serine: 0
Proline: 0
Phenylalanine: 0
Tyrosine: 0
Histidine: 0
Methionine: 0
Tryptophan: 0 (turkey drugs?)
Cysteine: 0

Nutrijuice (Veggie) Blend: 100mg
Parsley Juice Powder: 0
KALE JUICE POWDER: 0
SPINACH JUICE POWDER: 0
Wheat Grass Juice Powder: 0
BRUSSELS SPROUT JUICE POWDER: 0
ASPARAGUS JUICE POWDER: 0
BROCCOLI JUICE POWDER: 0
CAULIFLOWER JUICE POWDER: 0
Beet Juice Powder: 0
Carrot Juice Powder: 0
CABBAGE JUICE POWDER: 0
GARLIC JUICE POWDER: 0

And if you're watching your weight, you should be proud to know each of these choking hazard nuggets only has:

Calories: 5
Total Carbohydrate: 1gm

Is it me or does this seem a little over the top? My parents probably drank a gallon of gin a day, snorted asbestos, and took turns kicking each other in the midsection with steel-toed shoes to see who would crumble to the floor first. I guess people just weren't aware back then. We are all the wiser, right? Right?

~

The Vessel Is Demanding

The Vessel (some pronounce it "wessel") is demanding. For example, in setting up this blog, she stole the name "Babyocalypse" and took it for her own. "How am I to author the blog if you have taken the name," says I? "Never you mind. Just do as you are instructed and our baby will be happy. A happy baby means a happy Vessel. Do not stray from the lines set before you."

And there lays my lot. A prisoner in my own blog. Much like quicksand, some may argue it is simply best not to struggle.

Post blog edit: The Vessel has since then removed her admin privs from Babyocalypse and assigned them entirely to me. She is a most gracious and loving person. I shall keep her.