And So It Begins.... Babyocalypse Has Begun

As most of you know, Carisa popped out one angel of a baby on Sunday, August 16, 2009. I know everyone can quote me because I made it well known that all - ALL - babies are not attractive. They are wrinkly, have no teeth, and look like a Jim Henson creation gone bad. It's true and you all know it. And here is where I recant previously made statements.... Adelaide is beautiful.

Here is a muppet:
And here is Adelaide:

See, she's pretty cute. But that is their whole plan. You see, they lull you into thinking everything is jim dandy and that is when they strike. I have kept my guard up for many a year, knowing the Babyocalypse is upon us. And here I am a victim. For as much resistance and planning, I caved in and admitted these little critters can be cute. And then they do this to you:

Oh my GAWD! What devilry is going on here?! Please see previous photo of Adelaide. How it is possible something that looks so innocent can produce something this vile? Seriously, what the heck?! (btw, I am trying to cut back on my cursing due to said child, otherwise it would have been the more common WTF!) I've heard stories about this stuff and just couldn't believe it. Well, it's true, brothers and sisters: meconium is nothing but pure evidence Babyocalypse is here. Follow that link to Wikipedia. Nasty stuff.

"They" even said this would only happen for a few poos. I call BS on that one, too. About six diapers into this whole ordeal and she was still passing the tar buildup of an 80 year old lifetime smoker. And that sh*t starts to harden to the skin if you're not johnny-on-the-spot with changing the diaper. If you inadvertently touch it, it burns like lava. Molten lava straight from the depths of H E double hockey sticks (man, this no swearing thing is not going to be easy). Screw it: HELL! Straight from Hell, folks! And for the more curious minds, you don't *even* want to know what it tastes like. I leave it at that.

In closing, Adelaide is beautiful even if she produces the cast off waste from Hell.

Rockabye Baby

I am a horrible horrible friend. Jennie, you deserve better than me. No, I know, it is true. Please spit in my face the next time you see me. (please don't. it was just a figure of speech) (don't be so literal. gaaah!)

Why am I horrible? Well, Jennie was thoughtful enough to get the quintessential cd for any to-be-parent-who-loves-a-little-metal. At Carisa's baby shower, Jennie got us two things. I have no idea what the baby thing was, but I do know the cd "Rockabye Baby" is freaking GOLD! From the cd sleeve....

"Rockabye Baby transforms timelss rock songs into beautiful instrumental lullabies. The soothing sounds of the glockenspiel, vibraphone, mellotron, and other instruments will lull your baby into a sweet slumber. On this album, they'll enjoy Metalllica's best known anthems without the pesky earplugs you didn't bother to wear growing up. (Note to young ones: wear those earplugs. I have the early onset of tinitius. Metal is so good, but so bad for you.) We've turned down the volume from an eleven to a two, and made the bed ourselves. Say your prayers little one. Tonight the sandman will be gently rocking you to sleep with these essential masterpieces of rock 'n' roll."

I never thought you could headbang to a glockenspiel, but let me tell you, I gave myself a little whiplash the first play through. I was amazed they could reproduce the genius of Clifford Burton with "(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth." The only disappointing part of this cd, is that you round the corner of a gentle mellotron and expect Kirk or James to bust out into the hardest mutherf.... riff on the vibraphone, but it never comes. That's the way it rolls sometimes.

Jennie, you know how to rock...

The Mother Lode

Okay, I've been away from the blog for quite some time. I need to get back in the game. But I need some material to write about. Luckily, I have my wife, Carisa.

For those of you who do not know Carisa, she is something special. Not just because she agreed to marry me, but because she loves to do a lot of fun stuff. Such as sewing! Who doesn't like to sew these days? Heckwad, EVERYONE loves to sew! Carisa has been working her way up the ranks of sew master these past few months. If she could only sew me a lathe or work bench, I'd consider her apprenticeship complete. Time will tell. Most of her recent focus has been on crafting maternity-related items. Receiving blankets, some kind of curved pillow thingy, peek-a-boob, bra converter deal for nursing (ask her about this one - she's feeling pretty proud of her invention), and other miscellaneous do-dahs.

This is what our lives have become: Carisa received another huge bag of baby hand-me-downs from the Fair Liz Jones. Carisa reached inside the bag and says "Holy crap! Look at this. This is the mother lode." What would be "the mother lode" in terms of baby hand-me-down bliss? That's right, nursing pads.


She made a few on the sewing machine, but wasn't all that proud of the outcome. I will liken the receiving of these nursing pads to hitting five out of six numbers on a Megabucks ticket. "Look at how many there are! Allow me to demonstrate" and she does. Liz, you have made Carisa a very happy woman. Thank you for sharing.

Quick to Tears

Yes, Carisa is decidedly quick to tears. Pre-pregnant Carisa would have a spell here and there, but those were usually tied to being overly exhausted and not getting enough sleep. (And I suppose faking a turrets outburst in the middle of the night doesn't help calm the nerves much either.) But we're talking something-has-taken-over-my-wife type of tear facilitation. If you catch her at the right moment, you could say something like "I understand lambs are attempting to form a union to secure better herding techniques these days" and she'll look at you for a few seconds, then the chin will wiggle a bit, and there starts the flow. "I don't know why I'm crying. The lambs have every right to impress upon their ranchers there is room for improvement in herding. It just makes me very sad and not sad. Silly little lambs."

Case in point: I'm working on the front porch last weekend. Carisa is up the driveway applying stain to a few decking boards. I hear something remarkably sounding like a full can of stain hitting the ground. Stranger than fiction, the can DID hit the ground, spilling most of its contents down the front of the welling Carisa and onto the driveway. It's really quite comical. I start laughing quite loudly, but I'm the only one. The Vessel's face has now shrunken up tight, the eyes open, and the tears begin to fall. At first I figure she's forgotten the faucet is right next to her and she's decided it'll be easier to wash the driveway down as well as herself if she were to simply cry away the stains. I attempt to console her that it's really quite funny and not to worry as there are more cans of stain in the world. She retorts that she finds it quite funny as well, but the pregnant Carisa is controlling the tears and she can't help reacting like a five year old dropping her ice cream on the ground.

And the adventure continues.....

Let's Talk About...

.... pregnancy and sex, shall we? Or perhaps not. Thank you.

[Post publishing note: several of you have inquired as to the reason/meaning of this post. The purpose of this blog is for embarrassing the child when they come of age. No one - NO ONE - ever wants to know that their parents ever had sex. Their birth was immaculate. Furthering this, no one wants to know about pregnancy sex at all in fact! So, welcome to my little joke. Hope you have enjoyed it as much as I.]

Croi-what? Ssant-huh?

Thus far there have only been two episodes, this being the latest....

The Vessel is sitting in bed reading. I am sitting in a chair at the end of the bed working on beloved 2008 taxes (yes, running a bit late, but at least they are getting done) (hopefully). The Vessel looks up, smacks her lips, and proclaims "I want a box of croissants and I think I want them now." These were the words spoken. Utility hears those words, but they translate inside the brain as "I am having another food desire and it involves a lot of croissants. Go fetch them and be quick about it." I am then met with pleading eyes and the official request: "Dear sweet man, please go to the store and get me a few croissants." I'm in the middle doing the taxes. It takes a bit of doing to gear up for doing one's taxes. I think about it for a bit, question if the desire is true and accurate, and am then packing up forms to go on my quest.

I go to our local grocery store. After wandering around for five minutes I actually do the unthinkable and ask someone (who works there) if they have any croissants. She looks around and sees nothing. It was a flailingly impressive attempt to look like she was concerned and truly wanted to help me. She then passed the question to her co-worker. "Do we have any croissants?" Now this one has an official looking baker's hat on. She knows what she's doing. She's been trained on how to handle these types of situations. "Well, not anymore." Huh? "You see, it is the end of the day and the daily baked croissants are now put into a bucket to be used in some other manner tomorrow." (skeet shooting?) Could I have one, kind and most gracious lady? She then does this look around like she's about to give away military secrets to the Chinese. "Let me just pull a few out for you." Ummm.... could I have six? She stops dead in her tracks as if I asked her to strip naked and bark like a dog. "Six?" As soon as you say something like 'I have a rabid, pregnant woman at home, demanding croissants. help me, please' all is well again. She packs up six beautiful croissants and sells them for $0.25 a piece. Not only did I get a sixer of croissants - I get them for a buck fifty! Life is good. (it's the little things)

Proud as a peacock, I present the Vessel with the grocery booty. She grabs three and states "Let it be known that I am the first person to ever make and consume a croissant sandwich made entirely of...... croissants!" She then stacks them together, smashes them down into a sad little sandwich and begins to consume them. There were a few grunting noises here and there; however the most satisfying part is when her eyes rolled into her head in pure bliss.

I have done my job.

Challenging Earth's Orbit

As noted in The Vessel's most recent post, her belly is definitely... ummm... well, enhanced. Let's be honest here: at the rate this sucker is growing she'll reach the beginning stages of competing for Earth's gravity come September 1!

True, it is somewhat small at this point, but seriously, folks, this thing has kicked into high gear. I think there might be a bit too much yeast in the dough because that bellah has grown awfully fast in the last couple of weeks. Now I realize The Vessel is an over achiever and all, but you think she'd take this one in the appropriate phases being her first time and all. Nope - she's the convection oven of baby baking. They plump when you cook em, right?

By the doctor's calculation, Carisa's belly will have completed its attempt at gravitational domination and fully overtaken the Earth's orbital pull on September 1. See diagram below:

Notice the size of Carisa's belly. It is certainly larger than the sun on September 1st. This is scientific proof it will happen. Charts don't lie.

Horse Pills

Sweet Fancy Moses! What on Earth is going on here? Every day my sweet bride (The Vessel, just in case there needs to be clarification), consumes three pills the size and color of Green Giant's thumb! Have you seen this guy? He's a pretty big fella.

These things are packed with wholesome goodness according to Nature's Way, the manufacturer of these digit-sized gobstoppers. But perhaps the following would explain why they need to be so big. Take a look at these ingredients:



VITAMIN A: 15000IU
Beta Carotene: 5625mcg
Gamma Carotene: 5.6mcg
TRANS BETA CAROTENE: 5.4mcg
BETA ZEA CAROTENE: 1.1mcg
Vitamin C: 1gm
Vitamin D: 400IU
Vitamin E: 200IU
Vitamin K: 80mcg
Thiamin: 25mg
Riboflavin: 25mg
Niacin: 125mg
Vitamin B6: 50mg
Folic Acid: 400mcg
Vitamin B12: 200mcg
Biotin: 300mcg
Pantothenic Acid: 125mg
Calcium: 250mg
Iron: 18mg
Iodine: 150mcg
Magnesium: 125mg
Zinc: 15mg
Selenium: 70mcg
Copper: 2mg
Manganese: 4mg
Chromium: 120mcg
Molybdenum: 75mcg
Sodium: 15mg
Potassium: 50mg

Green Food/Spirulina Blend: 500mg which contains:

Spirulina: 0
Alfalfa: 0
Barley Grass: 0
Dandelion: 0
Wheat Grass: 0
Spinach: 0
LEMON GRASS: 0
Nettle: 0 (nettles, for criminey's sake!)
Blessed Thistle: 0
Chlorella: 0
Chickweed: 0
Blue Green Algae: 0
CILANTRO: 0

AMINO ACIDS: 225mg
Glutamine: 0
ASPARAGINE: 0
Leucine: 0
Alanine: 0
Arginine: 0
Lysine: 0
Threonine: 0
Valine: 0
Glycine: 0
Isoleucine: 0
Serine: 0
Proline: 0
Phenylalanine: 0
Tyrosine: 0
Histidine: 0
Methionine: 0
Tryptophan: 0 (turkey drugs?)
Cysteine: 0

Nutrijuice (Veggie) Blend: 100mg
Parsley Juice Powder: 0
KALE JUICE POWDER: 0
SPINACH JUICE POWDER: 0
Wheat Grass Juice Powder: 0
BRUSSELS SPROUT JUICE POWDER: 0
ASPARAGUS JUICE POWDER: 0
BROCCOLI JUICE POWDER: 0
CAULIFLOWER JUICE POWDER: 0
Beet Juice Powder: 0
Carrot Juice Powder: 0
CABBAGE JUICE POWDER: 0
GARLIC JUICE POWDER: 0

And if you're watching your weight, you should be proud to know each of these choking hazard nuggets only has:

Calories: 5
Total Carbohydrate: 1gm

Is it me or does this seem a little over the top? My parents probably drank a gallon of gin a day, snorted asbestos, and took turns kicking each other in the midsection with steel-toed shoes to see who would crumble to the floor first. I guess people just weren't aware back then. We are all the wiser, right? Right?

~

The Vessel Is Demanding

The Vessel (some pronounce it "wessel") is demanding. For example, in setting up this blog, she stole the name "Babyocalypse" and took it for her own. "How am I to author the blog if you have taken the name," says I? "Never you mind. Just do as you are instructed and our baby will be happy. A happy baby means a happy Vessel. Do not stray from the lines set before you."

And there lays my lot. A prisoner in my own blog. Much like quicksand, some may argue it is simply best not to struggle.

Post blog edit: The Vessel has since then removed her admin privs from Babyocalypse and assigned them entirely to me. She is a most gracious and loving person. I shall keep her.